Earlier this week my aunt passed away. For the past few months my mother and I have been visiting her every weekend at the care facility she was living in. Having alzheimers meant some days she embraced us with open arms and others she barely recognised us. I adored her, she was my Grammy’s oldest daughter and looked so much like her that I could almost fool myself into thinking she’d never left.
Finding out she’d passed hit me harder than I expected. Thankfully I was with my best friend. I curled up in her bed and cried harder than I had since Grammy died. I felt the heart wrenching pain that only grief can inflict. I was mourning for my Grammy all over again. My best friend held me through the whole ordeal, whispering comfort and catching my tears. Over the years we’ve developed vastly different personalities; her anger is quick to spark and her impulses stimulated even faster, her approval is not easily obtained but worth the unconditional affection it brings. But beyond it all, deep down where the business that matters resides, she and I are the same. Today I was inconsolable and she was my rock.
An hour later TFL joined us. I pulled myself together enough to give him a small smile. He sat with me on the couch and held me close. I wasn’t crying anymore, though my eyes were puffy and my breathing still hitched I was trying to seem somewhat composed. TFL and I might argue, we might destroy each other one minute and be lost without each other the next but after eight years he’s one of the few people I know who truly loves me. I apologised for my appearance, he’d wanted to go out tonight. He shook his head, smoothed my hair and pressed a kiss to my temple.
& in that moment I realised, I’m going to be okay. I’ll never feel the warmth of my grandma’s hugs again, but I have a best friend who’ll hold me until her “damn arms fall off”, I don’t have someone across the hall to talk to when I can’t sleep, but I have TFL who calls me at 3am most nights just to check if I’m asleep.
My Grammy might be gone but she left me in very good company and they mean the world to me.